Astronaut

I wanted to be a teacher once, now I'm just killing the moment between the past and the future.

I wanted to be a doctor once, now I'm just healing the person that was and the person that is.

Bugger It

That there is my brother, and the person sitting to the right of him is not his girlfriend. But wait, it gets better. So much better. The other day he informed me that his best friend was moving interstate, naturally I assumed that friend was a guy and felt incredibly bad for him since I've seen so many of my friends come and go, though as it turned out it was a she. Fair enough, I've had many friends who are girls, even ones I would call "besties" (yes, I hate that term too). What threw me off guard was his question of whether or not he should have sex with her since she liked him more than he'd figured sooner. Again, his bestie is not his girlfriend. I told him not to do it, of course. Not only is he still a virgin but it just seemed so inappropriate to allow a thirteen year old to act so sly and do something that will most likely end in fail - not everyone can lose their virginity as gloriously as I did. Whether or not he does it anyway is out of my control but I do know that he is an idiot for considering it. My poor bastard brother doesn't understand what kind of polluted blood stream he is carrying, nor do I suspect he would know what to do with it even if he was aware of the extent of failure that flowed within; my mother has had five different children to four different men, my sister has spoken about having sex with her cousin (and implied that I would sleep with her if I had the chance - I assured her I wouldn't, she didn't believe me) and his father is a hopeless romantic, with an extreme emphasis on hopeless. If there is anything to learn from this its that social networking in the world of modern day teenagers is often more priceless than you'd ever expect.

Orhan Kahn says:

- I noticed you got tagged on Facebook with your arm around a girl that isn't your girlfriend.

Dante says:

- ohhhhhh, wtf. i was in music listning to her ipod and i was like falling ova

Orhan Kahn says:

- falling onto her by the looks of it

Politics

Speak about it publicly.

Let your problems overwhelm us all.

Let your policy rule our lives.

You're not making any sense.

But keep talking.

It will eventually make sense.

Randomness

Various thoughts that passed my underslept mind throughout the cool and calm day:

~ "Batman fighting Batman, what the fuck!"
~ What would be your Super Hero power if you had a choice? Mine would be flight, and an extendable penis.
~ They are clearly holding puppets. Therefore and thus, I am not fooled.
~ I have never had a Jagger Bomb before, does this make me uncool?
~ Ice cold blue Gatorade will cure whatever ales you. Consult your doctor. Results may vary.
~ "Noone on the block has ever predicted the end of the world before!"
~ Me singing country music to a stadium full of American people will solve all the worlds problems.
~ Morgan Freeman could be Barack Obama's father in a perfect world.
~ Yes, you are a "habitual offender". Even so, that is a harsh conviction!
~ What do I want for Christmas? My very own dick towel, of course.
~ We just discovered an Infomercial channel. FLAVOURWAVE TO THE MAX!
~ The sports channel just got 100x better; two words, bull riding!
~ Mr T. outofnowhere! Did he really need to head butt the door? Use the bloody knob.
~ That woman has a large mouth and not the sexy kind of large.
~ Shut up! I seriously can't multi-task right now.
~ We should start a best friends forever club!
~ When did I turn into a Hello Kitty pencil case?
~ You're all the kings horses and all the kings men; you put me back together again.
~ "I'm a REDNECK WOMAN, I ain't no high class broad!"
~ What did we download 50GB's of?
~ Unemployment is over 10% in the US. Such insanity!
~ 76 days until she steps off a plane, out of winter and straight into an Australian summer.
~ Never drink the dregs of a bowl of watermelon.
~ "Here. Drink this. It's okay. I play Farmville."
~ I'm considering purchasing a pair of breast enlargements I clearly never intend to wear.
~ Wait, what?! He dedicated a 150 hours to a video game just to review it? That's dedication.
~ Never thought it would be possible for a torch to provide and lack illumination at the same time.
~ Dinner time is my most favourite of the food times.
~ She sang the national anthem on the very last shot; Star Spangled Banner is beautiful.
~ Do not quicksave a video game just before you're about to die.
~ A 7lb/3.5kg burger should never be made or attempted to be eaten.
~ Was finally pulled over by the police tonight and not fined.
~ When a police officer demands you count to ten don't count to six.
~ Every so often something comes around in full circle and it is just beautifully odd:

Causality

How exactly do you deal with someone who doesn't have a personality? At first I thought I was doing something wrong, then he had me thinking I was doing everything wrong, then I realised that my boss has no individuality and that just makes me sad. My new role is a with a small time, local courier company that specialises in packages and shipping particular bits and pieces. Sometimes over-priced artworks and sometimes housewares and other sentimental items. My boss has been doing this job for 9 years and I fear that he has been doing it alone for far too long, so long in fact that he has become the job. The other morning I asked him what his hobbies were and he told me that it is "coming to work". What a terrible and unhealthy hobby to have. At first I thought it was a failed attempt at an old man telling a joke but as it turns out he spends more time at work than he does anywhere else. It is going to take me a while to adjust, in the meantime I'm not going to let his stale and pushy attitude ruin the great deal of happiness I have in my life right now. There is alot I'm doing at this point in time to keep my mind and heart occupied and I'm quite content with this. Last weekend it was a whole lot of alcohol and video gaming, this week it will be gardening, driving and cleaning. Eventually I will move onto reading and maybe even some writing. Next you're going to see me admit that I have a desire to put together 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles, learn to sculpture raw clay and masturbate during a cold shower. Live on the edge, I tell you what!

Lubricated

There isn't a day that goes by without some uncoordinated arrtard walking into my pathway as if I'm not even there. Two things, I'm not a small man and it is mostly women who seem to do it. Read into that what you will. Anyway, my point is that I've been introduced to a brand new TV show by the name of Man Vs Food; not only is it a definitive insight into everything wrong with the modern day male but it hurts my stomach to watch, only because I'm not more involved in the making of such an awesome program. Disregard the fact that it was brought to my attention by a petite young American girl who likes BBQ meat almost as much as she likes me, and forget the fact that the presenters first challenger was a female - this show is all me, and all I shouldn't be. Watching him eat a four and half pound steak (that's two kilos for the local crowd) along with a shrimp platter, side salad, bread roll and baked potato although impressive wasn't anything that worried me. Do you recall the Kangaroo BBQ episode of Daddy Delicious I did just a few weeks ago? I ate four and half pounds of food that evening. And I drank me two big bottles of beer. AND I was still hungry afterward. So, again, I have no idea why small young women feel brave enough to walk into me as if I were a bowl of jello to their cold silver spoon. See, I just ate about two pounds of meat, vegetable and fruit and still I'm thinking about food. So if you ever wish to poison me and take my place you'd best get a whole lot of taint mixed into my nightly slice of watermelon and carrots because a bullet to the gut would do little before it was plugged by the internal mixture of compost.

Around & Again

Just a few places in the world I wish to visit and why:

United States of America - I'm all about food and fun so it only seems fitting that New Orleans be put somewhere on this list. Okay, so there may be a few missing houses and alligators but that aint nearly enough to keep me away. Would also love to see Washington and Middle America. A game of baseball, football, basketball and ice hockey are all of which my eyes and ears must experience. And if I could just find my way through on the 4th of July or a white winter Christmas; us summer-side Upside Down folk would not entirely approve!

India - While the deep and rich history of the South Asian nation is something of a mystery to a simple Westerner such as myself it is indeed a place I want to trek through. Also, having a true authentic curry with enough spice to kill a small village is on my To-Do-List in life, so there really isn't much holding me back. Almost every single Indian person I've met has been hospitable and attentive. For a place that has produced a magical wonder such as Bollywood and the Taj Mahal it will no doubt be a wonderful place to help myself to.

China - I know, right? Who wants to see such an obscure teenage nation on the modern world scale? Me, that's who! With a history that compares quite well with its neighbouring packed-to-the-roof nation China has its own unique blend of culture, cuisine and entertainment. Okay, not so much the entertainment, but atmosphere and food they have alot of. Although I'm sure that entire slice of the world is likely to kill me with food alone it will be well worth the endeavour. Would also like to know how a people can contain over a billion of itself.

What is there left in this world for you to see?

Inevitable

RIght this vewry momwent I'm a little drink. Dunk . DRUNK! Dammit. Okay, so I'm a little more than a litm,w derink. Anyways, teh stroy goes as such. I started out ewiht some tequila and lemonda with lime and lemon, rthn three glasses later I moved onto the two tall fgallasses of wine and then a dfouble shot of vodka and lemone fdlesh. Flesh! Mmm, brains. Shut up! Pla. Okay, so I'm fine. Really, I could backspace and correct every little word but the fact of the matter is that I'm not lookinf at the keyb oatd and I'm hittingf hwatever comes naturally, and asd though I haven't taken a statristics class I'd hae tp say that I'm at least failiung at a 50% rate and thats pretty awesome. Don't worru, I'm fine. Its not like I was stood up at the alter or anything. That would be kinda wrid, bloggin about being stoof up at the alter. Imagin that, bewing stoof up at your own fucking wedding. There bshould be a leargal injection for that shit. I bet men do it more than women. They get to the final fay and then flee like a little bitch. I know the typew. Anyways, one of my brestest friends tonight got rejhected by a real life homosex and I for one would like to punch him in the mouth. Yje homosex, not my friend. What is with gay people and young people and people in general not alligning their feelings and their presenece in the one moment. I just want to sit him down wqith a six row of shots of whatever and sing Ella Fitzgerald tunes to him, y'know, ,make him feel like life is shit all over and whenever. Because that womabn is long dead. poHoly shit, I'm allowed to derive. Well, not right this momrnent. But somertone was stupid enough to give me a license. That isn';t a bad thing, but seioursly, I want to runf something over. My building woman told me today to keep mty carport shutter down when I leave and I wanted to tell her to doe on the spot but sher is old and told me that she is moving to a retirement village, I wanted to congrayulate her for being so old but thats not myuch of an achievemenbt considering how fucked the world is. Okay, what? Where was I/>? Oh, yes. Watermelon. And an old epiocsode of Trailer Park Boys. Life is fgood. Wonder when life will be shit again? I'lkl let you know,. I'm siure. I'think I'm suddenly morerer drunk. Shit! Okay. Done here., Back to the TV. Or something. Where is my girlfriend. I should wake her up. Is that not nice? I'm not waking hert up becaiudse IO'm horny, so thgat must be nice? Guys wake up there girlfernds with their penis all the time, that is naihty. Naughty! I'm one of those boyfriends. DShut up! Don't jusdge me. I have a beautiful penis. Lol, I have a licence, I will run over your whole family,. Okay, what? Okay..ues. Yes! I'm morere drunk now. Wow, spinging,. Get this laptop off my lap. Lol, ;laptp on a lap. Irony? Yes. pokay.